What if I told you not to tell??? You'd probably do one of three things: number one, and most unlikely, you'd keep my secret and not tell a soul. Two, you'd tell that one close friend (or a couple close friends) who you think wouldn't tell and you'd tell them not to tell, but invariably they would. Or Three, you'd tell everyone because let's face it gossip and spreading rumors is a fun thing to do.

So what if I told you this is all true? Or mostly true? Or only a little sliver of truth is in here and the rest is lies? Would you still read? Would you tell? What if I said that all this is true and I only pretend it's not because it makes for a better story to pretend it never happened? Or what if I tell you it's true and it's really not, would you really believe it?

In either case, this is blog is full of my secrets and whether or not you share them is up to you, but you can't steal them because everything is safe on the internet. And Everyone always believes what they read, so it must all be true. Wait... maybe I'm wrong about this last little bit.

Whatever... It's a secret. Don't tell.

Mothers Day... I think


Photo done by Ryan Milling Photography


Mother's Day.

I love and hate this day. It's a day where I get to remember how much my own mother sucks and a day where my kids spend five minutes giving me love and showing me how much they care about me in a card that they colored all over of before running around screaming about this or that.

It's also a day where I can say "I'm sleeping in and if you wake me, I get to stab you" to my husband.

Well, this morning I managed to half sleep in until eleven a.m. And by  half-sleep in, I mean first, I was woken by my dog jumping on me in bed because my son apparently thought it would be a great idea to let the dog out of the garage to wish me a happy mother's day (thanks alot Jax, I really appreciate the 7am wake up with a dog punching me in the stomach)... Then I woke up to my dog barked right outside my window (Who put him out back, husband??). After that, my husband tried to help by giving the kids a morning bath, unfortunately the kids bathroom is right next to my bedroom and the water runs loudly (Plus they scream alot... happy screams, but screams that are loud and even though they are giggly, make me wish I could be deaf at will) And the dog started barking again. So I got up, pretending that I wasn't up until 3 am with insomnia for the... fifth time this week, and smiling because apparently that's the look my kids wanted to see: bedhead with a ruffled mother and bags under her eyes, smiling about her exhaustion. 

I then got welcomed by my daughter slipping on a puddle of water my son had spread by running naked and wet through the house to find Daddy to put underwear on him, resulting in Lily screaming. Then they finally all got dressed and gave me cards. I smiled as I read them all aloud for my kids' benefit, hugged them both and told them how much I loved them. Two minutes later, my day was all but forgotten when my son handed me a fruit-roll up to open and my daughter insisted on turning on her v-tech laptop, which plays the world's most annoying sounds as my husband went downstairs to his man-cave (aka the garage) to play his video game.

I ended up going downstairs too to call my Gram (voicemail) and the kids' Granny, my ex's grandmother, and the great grandmother of my kids, who I talked to for about 10 minutes, letting the kids wish her a happy mother's day too and finally hanging up after again feeling vindicated that I'm a much better family member than her own grandson. He's kind of an asshole and I am glad for that. I always smell like a rose next to him. 

 I went back upstairs, after seeing that my husband would rather play video games then hang out with me, so I put on Charmed, a show that I have seen every episode of multiple times. (Sidenote: I would love to be a witch. Especially with the powers of Piper to freeze and blow shit up. I just don't know that I'd necessarily be a good witch. I would hope so but I think I'd become corrupt because let's face it: when you can rob a bank and no one ever knows you were there, who wouldn't? Or become a vigilante killer who goes after killers and rapists like an even badder ass than Dexter. Oooo, or become a very well paid assassin... Or all three. Yes, definitely all three.)

After a while, I went downstairs again with "Let's Pretend This Never Happened" and started reading it outloud to my husband again. He and I laughed at a few parts and he at one point said "I'm so glad your family doesn't have Baby Bobcats" at which point I reminded him that one of my great-Uncles actually did have (at one point) a Cougar that he'd raised from the time the big-cat was a baby. He smiled, warily and commented that "well, he doesn't still have it." I agreed, although the truth is, I don't know.

After a few chapters I gave up reading, deciding that I'd rather go upstairs and write this. I know it's boring because I am too tired to care. I do have to admit though, I'm mad that all the pizza is gone. Now I have to get off my lazy-ass and go make something to eat or just go hungry. (I've chosen to go hungry. I am far too lazy to do anything today, including cooking, laundry and cleaning.) Also, I really don't feel like talking to my in-laws. Although I should, because my BIL just emailed me. (I don't mind them but I feel that they require energy and my utmost attention. Also I don't feel like listening to his teasing or other things. So I'm not answering. Just not up to it. It's technically MY day so I shouldn't have to feel uncomfortable today. Besides, I have to go give Steve his cell phone to call his mother, who doesn't like me and has only talked to me... two or three times tops in the past six months, but talks to Steve at least two to three times a month. Yea, she and I have a good bond... and in case you were wondering, yes that is sarcasm...)

And what's with little boys being so fearless. I would kill for my son to be afraid of something, but the little turd is brave. Like superhero brave... Or the kind of brave that just doesn't understand pain or death yet, that is a possibility. Jax would jump out his bedroom window if I didn't freak out by him even opening his bedroom window... and he seems rather put out that he gets yelled at for that. Apparently, I overreact in his 3 almost 4 year old mind. BLAH!

And my daughter, she could be braver. But nope, she's even afraid of our cat attacking her, even though Luna doesn't use claws because Luna is just aggressive, not mean. Come on, Kid! It's not that scary!!

I think when I bring my husband his phone to call his dear-old-mom, I'm going to hit him and not tell him why. Because deep down inside, I know he'll understand it as a thanks for making-me-be-the-parent-even-though-it-is-my-parent-holiday-and-you-promised-me-my-day-off-not-to-play-video-games-on-your-laptop-which-will-get-thrown-away-if-you-don't-do-it-soon hit. And he'll know he's deserved it and he'll try to make them be less Mommy-Mommy-help-me-with-this and be more like Daddy-Daddy-wipe-my-butt, which Jax will do soon. Since he usually has too poop around 4 in the afternoon and it's almost 3 now. And his mom will be happy to hear his voice.

That is all for now... SHHHHH... DONT TELL
Leah is: at
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